Fixed and Consequent

[Desdenova]

My injuries are pretty extensive, I guess, I?ve been sedated a lot. I can?t let anyone heal me, either. Because the law?s involved and all. So, I don?t know. I?m not really sure where I am, Zanes or Cams or the Halliburtons.

It?s dark. It feels late. I?ve got that taste in my mouth like morphine. It can?t be that bad, but I guess it is. Teddy seems exhausted, he didn?t even move when I did. That kind of scared me. Thought he was dead.

Bea?s okay. I remember being scared that she?d be hurt, I know it doesn?t matter, but the dog is still part of her, and that gets hurt. I?m not home. I can?t smell anything very well, I feel blind.

There?s no mirror in here, either. Kind of wonder if the door?s locked from the outside, but I don?t know if I can even get up. Probably all my clothes are gone, too.

At least there?s no catheter. I think. I don?t want to check, can?t feel anything anyhow.

Someone?s coming, I

[Desdenova]

Ugh. Mom hired a nurse for me. She?s temporary, but oh Spirits she heard me summon the journ

[Desdenova]

Shadow came back. I don?t know when, really. It felt... really good, I guess, to see her again. I was so embarrassed by all this, but she just said things happen. They do, yes. She wanted to go beat Aurora up. That really felt good. I could just picture it. Shadow, life long street rat, kicking the perfect princesses ass.

Paige told me... She told me Aurora really did like me. Love me. That it was because I was disabled, because I?m different, because... Just a lot of becauses. Reasons why.

All the stuff I always say. But people don?t usually say it to me. It?s true and they don?t want it to be. They?re not looking at me as someone to make a life with. I guess it?s better that Aurora was honest, that she really couldn?t deal with my disabilities, than if she pretended it was okay when it wasn?t.

And it?s so hard to have to face. I think, now, I?d rather throw it all up in a big cloud and while it?s settling, just slip away. It does matter, no matter what anyone says. It matters so much.

It?s just asking too much for anyone to accept it.

So, the company assigned a team of lawyers to this. Rokea, were sharks. They?re terrifying. They really are. I guess it was a good thing that Trevalin gave Aurora the block because that means it was essentially company business.

Dad was going to go deal with those two, but he started laughing when he heard about the lawyers and said ?oh, hell, let?s sit back and watch the fun?.

Fun, he says. He doesn?t have to sit with them.

Unfortunately, Teddy and the nurse like each other. They let me go home, but I still have nursezilla. It feels like a beating after every time she goes over my wounds.

But she found the fingermarks in my neck. I don?t remember Brent choking me, which doesn?t mean a lot. Someone did, it?s just the bruising was too deep to start with to show the specific points of impact, as it were.

So, now it?s a whole other investigation. Attempted murder.

I?m just so tired and sore.

[Desdenova]

It takes so long for me to come to myself sometimes. I... There was a frozen spiders web, and it seems, like I spent an eternity studying it. Every joining of silk, the beads of dew frozen along the strands, the pattern so carefully designed. The repairs made after it had caught bugs in it. The way it gleamed in the moonlight.

I still feel like I could study it forever, and still have so much to learn of it. A universe, in those frozen remains of summer. The Circle, the Spiral... I?d prayed so often to Red Spider Woman, for Naeruus? case. And there, so long, I was laying in the snow. That one thing was my entire world. My entire existance. It was such beauty.

I almost felt comfortable, the cold ... Against how much my ribs ached, how much I ached, my heart, my... my heart. Almost. I couldn?t feel it. Only a little.

That?s when I met him. The old man. He tells me his name, and it melts away in my mind. His hands were warm, he lifted me out of the snow bank. Rested me against him, propped me up. He didn?t break the web. I think... I think I would have cried. I?ve... I?ve cried entirely too much.

He was talking. I ... I don?t know. He sounds English. But not. I don?t know the accent. He made me drink some brandy. It was awful. It hurt. But he made me drink more.

He didn?t seem worried. I don?t know what he seemed. Just an old man. His eyes are dark. Blue or black. They haven?t faded. His hair is short and white. He has a nose like a hawks beak. I thought he was one of the ghosts, but his hands were warm.

He made me stand, but... I swear, he could have picked me up. Age... age isn?t fragile on him. He said, you need to know much more before you seek here. I don?t know why.

Teddy almost doesn?t care if I seize out in the cemetary. I mean. There?s not much for me to hurt myself on. If I do, one of the ghosts will go and get him. It?s not much freedom, but it?s what he can give me.

I... I felt old. I felt twice as old as the old man looked. He said... You can?t be here, alone. I wanted to ...I... I think cry or scream, my throat burned so much, maybe the brandy. And I said, no, no, Teddy ... Teddy lets me.

But he laughed. And said, no, where I was, specifically. Not the graveyard. He made me walk to the house. I ... I was so tired. He said I did so well on the graveyard. I had so much to do, but I had done so well. But the capstone, stay away from the capstone, you haven?t remembered what you?ve forgotten.

They made such a fuss. I still... They say, you can?t sleep yet, Des. I don?t want to watch tv. I don?t want to read. I don?t want to talk. The nurse keeps calling me baby. That scares me. They made me shower. And it hurt, it hurt so much. It hurts. They said, that?s good. I want something for the pain, they won?t give me anything. I said I want to write, they said I could do that. So I am.

The old man is sitting there. In the parlor. He and the nurse are talking. They keep looking at me. But I can?t really hear them. Teddy won?t purr for me, he says, I?ll just fall asleep. But I want to.

...I feel cold now. I...

[Desdenova]

[Interlude: Warmth]


The nurse smiled when the pen jerked from Desdenovas? hand, as the youth was wracked with sudden, violent shivering. Relief, in any case, at the sight of that entirely natural response to the cold.

Without hesitation, the powerfully built woman sat beside Desdenova, gathering him almost into her lap with the heavy quilt wrapped around him already. The old man chuckled, bringing a hot cup of tea, helping the nurse feed it to the shuddering boy.

?He wasn?t out there long, honestly. I saw him fall from the road. But it is not a night for a blissful nap in an icy little cache of stone,? the old man reassured the woman.

?Did he slip or did he have a seizure?? she demanded bluntly.

?He slipped, though having the wind knocked out of him while he?s got broken ribs might have given him a small siezure. He hasn?t been terribly lucid, but he hasn?t been directed, either,? the old one explained, a gentle smile given as the youth managed to drink the tea, easier and easier as warmth returned to his limbs.

?You can sleep now, baby,? the nurse assured Desdenova in an uncharactoristically gentle murmuring, brushing a hand over his hair, ?Teddy and I will be right here.?

The old man watched, affectionate, really, as the youth curled up in the womans care, the bogle purring over his shoulders. Such a gentle child. Desdenova seemed it, anyhow.

Quiet fell. The nurse watching the television, a protective arm around Desdenova, Teddy dozing, Bea curled under the youths chin. A shadow of dragon sprawled down his side. A charming scene, really.

The old man reached down and picked up the fallen journal, then the pen. He settled back, and began to read.

Near dawn, he scribed a message on the paper.

It was Desdenovas? own spell that the old man whispered, that closed and sealed the handwritten book, that caused it to vanish from sight.

The boy was well, the nurse and bogle had matters in hand and paw. The old man let himself out, and strode into the glassy beauty of the winters dawn.

[Desdenova]

It caught you at the stone. Don?t let it again. Remember the web.



<font color="#95542E" size="1">[ June 16, 2006 08:42 AM: Message edited by: Desdenova ]</font>

[Desdenova]

I ... I obviously must have dropped my journal. I ... Spirits. This... I?ve never been so shaken up. I... this hasn?t happened since ... Well, a few times in school. Some people can?t live knowing you keep a journal without spending more time than they ever spend on their studies just to crack it open.

It caught me. I don?t know what caught me. I don?t feel anything there, at all. I didn?t feel like I?d been caught, just that I slipped and knocked the wind out of me, and ... I don?t know. I don?t know who the old man is, I can?t remember his name at all. I can see him, in my mind, saying his name, but I can?t read his lips, and I know how to read lips.

The nurse doesn?t remember or know, Teddy never asked or cared. We?re all just humans to him. He seems just a kindly soul who happened to be walking by the cemetary. In the middle of the night. In sub zero tempetures. Alone. On foot. Just in time to see me slipping into what could have been my own tomb.

I wasn?t in that niche long, I couldn?t have been, but Teddy said I was actually cold to the touch. My lips were blue. But there?s no frost bite. I don?t usually get cold, I mean, not that much. I?m never 98.7, anyhow. More like 97.1. ...It was just as if all the heat from my body had been leached away. Even through my coat and clothing.

I don?t remember it, but I had... had such a nightmare about it. Feeling that warmth ... leaving. Pulled ... leeched. Leeched. Taken to feed some parasite.

It still makes me shudder. I guess I looked more miserable than usual in court, the rokea were telling me to keep that look handy. I can?t win for getting my ass kicked lately.

[Desdenova]

I talked such a long time with Shadow. About the stars. About what happens when we?re done here. The ghosts, and... Well. Everything. I?ve always believed that when we die, we go where we are supposed to go. Another life, a heaven, hell...

She was so worried. That ...when she was gone, all she remembered would no longer exist. That it would be all for nothing, everything she remembered. But I said no... The stars see everything, and to tell them, name them... They remember. Forever. Even when they die, they only become fuel for a new star.

I guess... she?s really the only survivor of a group of street rats... I guess she still gathers them together, and tries to help them survive. And when they pass away, she wants to remember all they are.

I didn?t know that about her. That?s... I ... I do that. But... I don?t know, it... it touched me. As cold as I was when I slipped, it was ... that warm. I never thought anyone would care like that. About the people no one else cares about. Even when they?re gone.

She told me about them. The living and the dead. She told me about a boy she tried to watch over. He had seizures too. It all ... It all just seems another day, for her.

And, it was ... It?s so strange. It?s like the kids in the hospital, the disabled. There is a similar thread of prejudices. Where the one in a wheelchair will sneer at the ambulatory one, because they don?t know how hard it is, the bifida patient will sniff at the organ transplant...

It?s there, too. Where the begger child will look at the one getting a job or trying to learn as being uppity or stupid. A lot look at Shadow like that. But she feeds them, clothes and houses them, when she can.

She was working for Bess when she came back, but she?s working for Paige, now. At Paiges shop. And staying there.

I haven?t been to the shop in a while, it?s neat. It?s a curio shop. Usually, there?s a gargoyle, named Lola, running things. I?m not doing anything today, I think I?ll stop by.

[Desdenova]

Well. The neighbor lady to Auroras sorority house came foreward and told the entire story. I ...

I?m just... stunned.

I Spirits, they just... They -- I ... I just... broke down when the lady explained, and the damn lawyers were gloating over how great it was that I can react and so beautifully despite the Mobius syndrome. See, that was a big concern. That I wouldn?t be able to give enough show of emotion to the court.

She said... I walked up the path to the door, and stopped half way when Aurora came out. I talked, but wasn?t aggressive. Aurora walked to me, carrying a black block in her hand. She acted coy and cute, and I just stood there.

Then out of the blue, Aurora jumps at me, screaming incoherantly and slamming the block over my head. The lady was shocked, so was I. Then Brent Harkness comes bellowing out of the bushes, calling me a stalker and to leave his fiancee alone, and pulled me into a slug to the jaw.

I fought back, and I managed to kick Brent off of me, even though he must be twice my weight. She said I stepped back, and I was trying to leave, when I just went stiff, and started to collapse. A seizure.

Which was when Aurora jumped on me and started choking me. And I was helpless. The lady had called the police, but they hadn?t gotten there yet. She ran over and turned the hose on Aurora to get her to let go. Then Aurora started sobbing and saying that she just wanted me to stop stalking her to the lady.

Which, well. The lady hadn?t seen me around there in a while. But then the police and ambulances arrived, and I guess no one thought to really talk to her until my lawyers went around.

She tried to kill me.

[Desdenova]

I feel so stupid now. I mean, I?ve dealt enough with the damn victim girls to know better. It?s just that Aurora wasn?t trying to burn me with cigarettes or carve her initials in me or hovering ominously around my house playing with a knife or the other super groovy cool stuff that the neato keen stalker guys around here were doing.

I think it?s ironic that she scared me worse. It?s sad when a happy perky cheerleader is better at being a sexual predator than the usual scroungy but sexy gimps minus mask or the wannabe uber smooth and urbane lame reduxes of Jack the Ripper around here.

I don?t leave myself with wide open holes, I?m not a victim. But I was blindsided, and pretty badly. I wasn?t so stupid as to think she wouldn?t try to hurt me, I just didn?t think she would go so far as to agree to marry someone she hated just to get some strong arm on me.

Well, I know better now. It was all there, I just never saw it get like that towards me. I?m not usually all that desirable to anyone, though I don?t believe for a moment it has anything at all to do with desire.

It?s all hate. Hate that I can?t fix her problems, that I can?t be what she wanted me to be, that I?m not in her thrall or control. Hate that I represented everything she so dearly wanted and I denied it to her.

Of course, here, it?s all sex, and it?s even better because you can have hot rough sex and no one can lift a brow at your kinks. But that?s ultimately why the stalkers and sexual predators around here are so lame. They?re depending on their victims to keep them safe. How sad is that?

No, I?m not going to mildly accept it when someone attacks me. Or try to defend them. Or save them. They get what they deserve. This time, a quartet of rokea.

I?m actually amused by Aurora and Brandons lawyers. Their entire case boiled down to ?Well, okay, they attacked and brutally beat this boy, but why should that ruin their entire careers??

Everyone just stared at them like they?d lost their minds. I thought my lawyers were going to orgasm in glee.